Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
