Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
