she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Randomize
