are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Randomize
