We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
