he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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