god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
