Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Randomize
