Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I accidentally had phone sex last night
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
