Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
