so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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