We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
