mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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