evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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