in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
