i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
