Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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