We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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