We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
