You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
