Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
