So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Randomize
