Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
