so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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