During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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