I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Text me some of your sweat
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
