I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
