you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
