if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
