Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
well, you know. whores of a feather.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
