I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
