Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
