Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
