I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
it's great music for shaving your balls
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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