Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
