a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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