You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
no more duck duck goose at the bar
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
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