Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
