I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
