i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
