life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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