i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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