I molested 6 butterflies tonight
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
