So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
