He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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