i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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