I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
