My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
