Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
