Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
