I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
