BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
