I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
