i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
